Britannia Burger
by MillyAshfordFan
Summary: After Lelouch makes it his mission in life to topple Britannia Burger, he finds the humble Kururugi Ramen and meets the endearing son of the manager. Can Lelouch topple his father's monopolizing food empire AND get into Suzaku's too-tight pants? WIP
1. Om on the Nom

**Britannia Burger**

**Chapter 1: Om on the Nom**

* * *

><p><strong>The Rise of the Baneful Burger<strong>

In 2017 a.t.b., the Britannia Burger food empire decimated the last of the restaurant chains, becoming the monopoly it is today. Since then, Britannia Burger has become ubiquitous and far-reaching, spreading its influence, greasy French fries, and over-priced soft drinks to every sector of the globe. From China to Tijuana, from cowboys to Eskimos, Britannia Burger plays a role in the life of every meat-eating human being.

At first glance, the company president, Charles zi Britannia, seems to be an admirable and hardworking man. His success is ostensibly one of rags to riches. He worked his way to the top. In an interview, he was quoted as saying, "I have no lack of respect for my competitors, but the fast food business is a brutal one, and only the strongest can survive."

Additionally, Charles is an active philanthropist, donating large sums of money to food banks and orphanages. He sells his hamburgers to school cafeterias at a discount and has sponsored many a soup kitchen. This is certainly not a tactic to bolster his public image or aid him in tax returns. Certainly not.

However, the hoi polloi know the truth: that Charles zi Britannia's heart is as cold as a frozen patty.

Yes, Charles zi Britannia does not care if his burgers are gross as long as his company is grossing. He views his customers as plebeians and treats them as such. He is the Midas of the food industry, turning everything he touches into another restaurant to add to his chain.

No restaurant has been able to rise to the challenge. A fight in the ring against Britannia Burger leads to only one of two things: a KO or surrender. Former successful restaurant owners are fleeing the food industry for greener pastures. The people are left with only one eatery that provides poor food and even poorer customer service.

What the world needs is a fighter: a restaurant willing to stick up for the little guy, a restaurant that will provide palatable food and pleasant employees. The world needs a David to Charles zi Britannia's Goliath. The world needs a pugilist that will give Brtiannia Burger a much-needed knock down.

Will a savior arise? Will it topple Charles zi Britannia's food empire? Will it bring an end to the baneful burger?

It seems the world can only hope.

_-Diethard __Ried, __The __Pendragon __Press_

* * *

><p>As the executive VP of Britannia Burger, Lelouch vi Britannia continually wondered how the hell his father's business venture had become successful in the first place. Simply put, Britannia Burger was a cash cow, and Charles zi Britannia had hit the jackpot.<p>

Why? It certainly had nothing to do with the quality of the food. Lelouch knew for a fact that the cows and, by extension, the beef were not treated properly. Rather than grazing in open pastures, the cattle were locked in the equivalent of prison cells, incapable of moving freely. In addition to formula, a good portion of their diet consisted of fly-infested cow carcasses (yum yum cannibalism) and their own feces (bon appetite!). Britannia Burger was frequently responsible for outbreaks of food poisoning and BSE (mad cow disease), but Charles was in cahoots with the FDA, so he never had to deal with any legal consequences.

It also had nothing to do with the quality of customer service, which sucked. Hard. It disgusted Lelouch even more than the blatant lack of food sanitation. Customers were treated unequally based on wealth, and his father perpetuated and enforced this policy. It was the embodiment of the strong picking on the weak. Britannia Burger had the power and assets to swat away unwanted customers like flies, and it did just that.

…And Lelouch could do nothing but tremble with barely contained rage as paying customers were rudely shoved into the streets to make room for more.

When he attempted to talk to his siblings about the poor treatment of customers, they exhibited indifference. As long as they continued to have enough money in their pockets to buy pointless luxury items at their leisure such as $20,000 sunglasses or beach houses they would never visit, they could care less if Charles decided to slaughter the customers and put them in the burgers.

The only exception was Euphemia. She _did_care, and it definitely bothered her, but she was not in a high enough position in the company to help him. Also, she refused his offer to leave the company with him.

"I couldn't," she had said, shaking her head sadly. "I wish I could, but this is…the family business. I don't think I could leave it behind."

So, Lelouch decided it was up to him. He would give his father an ultimatum: if he refused to alter customer service policy for the better, then Lelouch would turn his back on Britannia Burger.

That was why he was currently sitting outside his father's office, waiting to be called in.

Two hours had already ticked by. Lelouch expected nothing less of his father – forcing his own kin to wait on him. Still, it made his blood boil, as he passed the time shooting daggers at the various Britannia Burger paraphernalia around the waiting room (hamburger clocks, a French fry settee, oh look a milkshake vase how _fucking_cute).

"Mr. vi Britannia, your father is ready to see you."

About time, Lelouch thought. But, instead, he stood up, smiled at the secretary, and said, "Great. Thank you."

He followed the secretary into his father's office, which was ten thousand times more ridiculous than the waiting room. In the center of the room was a giant Jacuzzi shaped like a hamburger.

And his father was in it. Sipping a cocktail. In a Speedo.

Sometimes Lelouch wished he had some brain bleach on hand.

Charles swished his cocktail, not bothering to look up. "What do you want?" he asked, voice cool and brimming with condensation.

It was somewhat unnerving to Lelouch that his father managed to remain menacing even while clad only in a banana hammock and lounging in a hot tub shaped like junk food. Nevertheless, Lelouch held his ground. He kept his expression placid as he stood on the rim of the Jacuzzi.

"I believe Britannia Burger should change its customer service policy."

Charles still didn't look up. "What is wrong with the policy in place?"

"Frankly, father," Lelouch said, voice smooth and even, "it's asinine."

_Now_ Charles looked up. His eyes were blazing, his nostrils flared, and it was barely controlled fury that he ground out, "And what, my son, do you believe makes it supposedly _asinine_?"

"Many things." Lelouch noted how his father's glare darkened considerably. "Our business model is deficient. We perpetuate poor treatment of customers because we know that they have no choice but to return since there are no alternatives. We don't take into consideration that a worthy competitor could arise. In that case, Britannia Burger's business stratagem would fall to ruin."

Charles' face smoothed out. His glare went out like a light, and he sent Lelouch a lofty stare. "A competitor has not shown itself."

"I'm saying we should take precautions."

"No." Charles' voice was firm, resolute. "You, my son, have a completely different agenda. You wish for our customers to be treated equally."

It took all of Lelouch's willpower to stifle a sneer. "And if I did?" He punctuated his tone with malice.

Suddenly, Charles stood up and picked up a towel. "Britannia Burger is about efficiency above all else," he said as he toweled himself off. "You know that as well as anyone." He snorted. "You act as if you know better than me."

"I do."

In a split second, the towel was on the floor, and Lelouch could smell filet mignon on his father's breath. Charles' face was red, steam practically coming out of his ears, and his open hands were centimeters from his son's throat.

"You ungrateful little—" His hands dropped to his sides. Lelouch held his gaze. "If it were not for me," Charles began again slowly, "you would have _nothing_." He laughed. "You would _be_ nothing. You have nothing to your name besides Britannia Burger. The clothes on your back, the place you call home – those were paid for by nothing but fries, hamburgers, and milkshakes. And you, my son, have the audacity to say our company is wrong? You have the audacity to say _I_am wrong?"

A smirk wormed its way up Lelouch's face. "Precisely."

"You!" Charles pointed a finger at his son, eyes bulging with wrath. "You're fi—"

"Fired?" Lelouch cut him off, raising an eyebrow. "That's fine by me." His smirk broadened into a smile. "I was looking for an opportunity to leave the company, and you, father, just handed it right to me."

And, with that, Lelouch stalked out of the room, leaving his father furious, dripping, and showing waaaaaaaay too much skin.

* * *

><p>The news did <em>not <em>go over well.

"Suzaku-kun, you can't just leave us!"

"I can't believe you're joining the enemy!"

They were standing in the middle of the deserted Kururugi Ramen restaurant. Kallen looked like she was on the verge of disemboweling him, and Kaguya was shooting him puppy-dog eyes. Suzaku sighed and rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly.

"Look," he said, "I'm sorr—"

"You're not sorry!" Kallen interjected, placing her hands on her hips. "If you were sorry, then you wouldn't be signing on with Bastard Burger!"

In a normal situation, Suzaku might have teased her. Close, but it's _Britannia_ Burger – not Bastard Burger. And then Kallen would glare at him and say she meant what she said because only bastards work at Britannia Burger. _But_Kallen was clearly furious, and Suzaku needed his appendages if he was planning on grilling burgers.

"Kallen's right. It's not your destiny to flip burgers," Kaguya said, her little mouth twisting into a pout. "We need you here."

Suzaku forced a smile. "I'm sure the both of you will be fine without me," he said. "You've been here as long as I have."

"But you make the best noodles!" Kaguya objected. "Kallen's always turn out limp and mushy."

"My noodles are _not _limp, but that's beside the point." Kallen locked eyes with Suzaku. "What will Genbu say? You're betraying the family business."

Suzaku sighed once again. He knew they would pull this card. "I already told my father, and he agrees that it's…necessary."

Kallen and Kaguya both gasped in unison, eyes wide.

Suzaku raised an eyebrow. "What?"

Kallen no longer looked angry, just incredulous. "Suzaku," she said slowly, "Genbu _hates_Britannia Burger."

"I know, but—"

"They lit our trash on fire, and people wouldn't come near us for days," Kallen said. "We lost potential revenue. How could he possibly forgive them for that?"

Before Suzaku could speak, Kaguya piped up. "And don't forget the hamburger fiasco! That would have taken at least a week to clean completely, if it weren't for that mysterious benefactor."

Suzaku still wondered who the mysterious benefactor could have been… "…You don't know it was them."

"Who else could it have been? Picasso?" Kallen snapped, crossing her arms to her chest. "You're either an idiot or in _serious _denial, Suzaku. And since Genbu actually trusts you with the finances, I'm going to have to go with the latter. "

Suzaku frowned. "I'm not in denial. I realize Britannia Burger engages in some questionable business practices —"

"Understatement of the century," Kallen muttered.

"I'd go with millennia," Kaguya said.

"Yeah, okay." Suzaku rubbed a hand down his face. "I get it. You both think Britannia Burger is the devil incarnate, but, if you haven't noticed, we haven't really been pulling in much revenue." Kallen and Kaguya just stared at him. Suzaku sighed. He didn't want it to come to his, but they _did_deserve the truth. "…My father says there's a chance we might have to…declare bankruptcy."

"_What?_" Kallen looked completely shocked. Kaguya merely nodded, expression solemn.

"I thought there was a high possibility," Kaguya said. "We've been spending at a deficit for quite awhile, and our restaurant only appeals to a niche of customers." She frowned. "I still don't understand why that means you need to work at Britannia Burger, though."

"Well, uh." Suzaku's shoulders sagged slightly. He stared at the fish swimming 'round and 'round in the little aquarium by the cash register. "I thought I could help out by getting a job, so I applied to a few a places…" He trailed off and bit his lip.

Kaguya raised an eyebrow. "Define 'a few'."

Suzaku lowered his head. "Fifty-five."

"Aaaand," Kaguya said, "Britannia Burger was the only who agreed to hire you." It wasn't a question.

Suzaku nodded, cheeks reddening. "Pretty much."

"Wait a second," Kallen said, eyebrows pinched together, looking thoroughly perplexed. "How would you even be able to help out the business on a fry cook's salary anyway? It wouldn't make _that_much of a difference, would it?"

"Probably because he agreed to work ridiculously long hours," Kaguya said. She locked eyes with Suzaku and smiled. "Am I correct in my assumption?"

Suzaku nodded and rubbed the back of his neck. He was starting to envy the fish by the cash register. They didn't have to deal with two girls interrogating him. Instead, they just spend their time shitting on faux-aqua rocks. "Yeah," he said. "119-hour week. Seventeen hours, seven days a week. Minimum wage."

Kallen frowned. "…That _can__'__t _be healthy."

"I don't need much sleep."

Kallen sighed, and folded her arms over her chest. "Look," she said, "I know Kaguya's too young to legally work, but I could…help out too." Her expression softened. "If we both got jobs, then you wouldn't need to burn yourself out."

Kallen looked completely sincere in her offer, and Suzaku knew she would go through with it – even if it weren't for his sake but for the fate of Kururugi Ramen. And sleeping for more than six hours _did_sound nice. But.

"I appreciate it, Kallen, but I'll be fine." Suzaku smiled with teeth, and he hoped it didn't look lopsided. "You…belong here. Besides, I'm sure if I work hard, I'll get a raise, and then I won't have to work as many hours. It'll all work out."

Kaguya smirked. "I see," she said. "So, your plan of attack is to move up the corporate ladder?"

Before Suzaku could respond, Kallen jabbed a finger in his chest. "Remember, Kururugi." Jab. "Just because you're working for them, doesn't mean you're joining them." Jab. Jab. Jab. "You're still on _our_side."

Suzaku took in the sight of Kaguya's scheming face, and Kallen's belligerent expression. Then, he shook his head and chuckled.

"This isn't war, you guys."

* * *

><p>Within a year, Lelouch vi Britannia had legally changed his name to Lelouch Lamperouge. "Lamperouge" was his late mother's maiden name, and it worked as well as any. The important thing was that he did not want to be associated with hamburgers or his father's abusive business practices.<p>

Unfortunately, along with cutting ties to his family, Leouch had also cut the ties to his inheritance. His savings were running out quickly, and he needed a job. Because he wouldn't resort to manual labor, job options were looking rather limited.

The problem was that many companies would practically throw job offers at Lelouch vi Britannia, the former executive vice president of the most successful food-based business in the universe, but none were willing to take in Lelouch Lamperouge, who possessed zero job experience and absolutely no references.

Lelouch had to give them some credit. They had all perfected the pseudo-sympathetic smile, as they said, "No, I'm sorry, but you're not what we're looking for." "You're not nearly qualified. Get the hell out," and "You look like you're just out of high school. What are you doing here?" went unsaid.

So, he trooped on. _Someone _had to be desperate enough to hire him, right?

He was currently at what felt like his hundredth job interview.

The man looked extraordinarily unimpressed as he paged through Lelouch's (mostly blank) résumé. Lelouch awaited the inevitable rejection. He could practically taste it.

"So, Mr. Lamperouge." The man finally set the résumé down on his mahogany desk and looked Lelouch in the eye. "Why are you interested in writing for the Pendragon Press?"

"I saw you had an opening for a food critic."

The man raised an eyebrow, and Lelouch could tell that his skinny frame was being appraised. His siblings had always teased him, saying that, for one of the vice presidents of Britannia Burger, he looked like he'd never actually _eaten _a burger before. Nunnally once even told him he looked like a "salad eater." …Whatever that meant.

"So," the man said, folding his hand together, "do you have any journalistic experience?"

"No."

The man frowned. "Any experience in the food industry?"

Lelouch hesitated before nodding. "Yes," he said. "I am very…knowledgeable in regard to the food industry."

"Oh?" The man looked surprised. "Do tell."

And there it was again. Lelouch had to make a choice: either a) blow his cover or b) get rejected for the umpteenth time. He swallowed. "That's…classified."

Well. Time for the big, fat rejec—

"A man of mystery, I see. What did you say your name was?"

What.

It took Lelouch a moment to regain his composure. He cleared his throat and straightened. "Lelouch," he said. "Lelouch Lamperouge."

It was as if a switch had been turned on. A fanatical gleam made its way into the man's eyes and a (almost hysterical) toothy grin wormed its way up his face. He leaned in uncomfortably close toward Lelouch (good-bye personal bubble) and gripped the edge of his desk. His breath was coming in short gasps. Lelouch wasn't sure whether to call the cops or…

"You're _Lelouch?_"

"Yes." Lelouch leaned back in his seat (personal bubble secured!) and coughed once again. "_Lamperouge._"

"You're hired!" The man had big 'ol crazy eyes, and his knuckles were turning white from gripping the desk.

Needless to say, Lelouch was rather unnerved. "I…_what_?"

"You're hired!" The man clapped his hands together. "As of now, you are the new food critic for the Pendragon Press." Lelouch opened his mouth, but the man continued talking. "You're an intriguing young man, and I _want_ you." Lelouch's eyes widened. "Want to _hire_ you." Crazy, _crazy _smile. "Are you up for it?"

For a moment, Lelouch was silent and stock-still. He stared at this man with his wild eyes and unnervingly large grin.

Then, he smiled and extended his hand.

"I look forward to working for you, Mr. Ried."

* * *

><p>Compared to her siblings, Euphemia li Britannia felt…underwhelming. Although she was an associate VP and shareholder for Britannia Burger, she had little influence in her father's company.<p>

Oh, she could start up restaurants willy-nilly, and most of the management had to answer to her, but she had little say in company policy – specifically, code of conduct.

During a board meeting, she had mentioned that perhaps the company could improve its customer service, and she was outright dismissed. She had prepared a presentation exhibiting the pros of integrating accommodating employees into their business model, and all the directors smirked and shook their heads. No one took her seriously. Silly Euphie, they said, the company is running as smoothly and efficiently as ever. Why change anything? Not even Cornelia stood up for her.

So, she sat back down, disheartened and listened as they discussed the "important issues." Should they increase the number of restaurants in Pendragon? Cut wages for employees? Schneizel suggested creating a Britannia Burger amusement park, and Charles outright applauded him.

Euphie made it a point to check up on the restaurants under her control, and she was well aware that the dreadful treatment of customers was getting out of hand. Employees were outright hostile toward patrons, many times booting them out before they had even finished their meals. The wealthy were given preferential treatment. For twenty dollars, one could sit at a table for a half an hour without being harassed. For fifty, an hour.

"At Britannia Burger, efficiency is everything," Charles once declared at a board meeting. "In order to live up to our name as a fast food establishment, we must serve customers as quickly as possible."

But that wasn't true. Poorer customers were discriminated against, and those who could pay were allowed to stay. It was a disgusting business practice, and Euphie could not do a thing about it.

She knew that was why Lelouch had resigned as executive vice president, and she wished she could bring herself to do the same. The problem was that there were few alternatives to Britannia Burger – it had a monopoly over the restaurant industry. Those daring small businesses that attempted to face off against the food empire ended up either being bought out or bankrupt.

But, although Euphie certainly had her grievances about the company, she was shocked when she learned that Britannia Burger was directly sabotaging other businesses. It was while she was doing her check-up in Pendragon that she heard about it:

"Heh. Did you see the work of art on the Kururugi Ramen shop? Courtesy of Britannia Burger, I hear."

"Why would they even bother to do that?"

"Even the big guys get scared, I suppose."

Euphie rushed past the men and found directions to Kururugi Ramen. It turned out to be located next to a Britannia Burger, and, when Euphie got close, she let out a little gasp.

Kururugi Ramen was a small restaurant, a little mom-and-pop. Its paint was chipping, and tiny paper lanterns lined the roof. The store name was scrawled on the front in blank paint, and, underneath that, elegant kanji was written in red ink. Euphie could not decipher it, but she presumed that was how the store's name was written in Japanese.

…And covering nearly inch of the store were hamburgers.

Big hamburgers and little hamburgers. Every color of the rainbow. They were painted all over Kururugi Ramen from the roof to the windows to the walkway. There was no doubt in Euphie's mind that the perpetrator belonged to her father's company, and she resolved to set things straight.

Firstly, she hired a team to clean the paint off Kururugi Ramen, telling them to keep her name anonymous. Secondly, she worked up the courage to broach the subject with her siblings.

She brought it up during a minor financial meeting. Charles had not even bothered to show up, so her brother, Schenizel, the deputy president, was acting as chairperson.

Before anyone had a chance to say anything, Euphie blurted out, "An employee of Britannia Burger vandalized Kururugi Ramen."

For a moment, it was dead silent, and Euphie could feel her cheeks heating up. Maybe she should have just kept her mouth shut…

"…What's Kururugi Ramen?" Odysseus asked.

"It's a small restaurant in Pendragon. I've heard of it," Schneizel said, voice smooth and even. Euphie shot him a grateful look. "How was it specifically vandalized, Euphie?"

"Oh. Um. Graffiti," Euphie stuttered out. "Hamburgers were painted all over the storefront."

There were several snickers from around the table, but Schneizel remained straight-faced. He was about to say something when Clovis stood up from his seat, gesturing toward Euphie ostentatiously.

"How you insult me, little sister!" he exclaimed. "It wasn't graffiti – it was a mural!"

The table erupted into a roar of laughter, and Euphie knew her face had to be tomato-red. The only ones not laughing were Cornelia and Schneizel. Schneizel's lips were pursed, and, when the others realized he did not see the hilarity, their laughter quickly died off. Schneizel did not speak until it had gone completely silent.

"So Clovis," Schneizel said, "you admit to vandalizing Kururugi Ramen?"

"I…" Clovis' eyes widened. "Brother, you have to realize that I—"

Schneizel put his hand up, and Clovis immediately shut his mouth, eyes large and fearful. "That was a poor judgment call, Clovis," Schneizel said, no trace of anger in his voice but his eyes narrow and intense. "I expect more from the newly appointed executive vice president."

Clovis' face reddened, his mouth open like a gaping fish, and Euphie couldn't help but feel a little victorious.

After the meeting, she approached Schneizel. "I appreciate you seeing things from my point of view, Brother," Euphie said, smiling brightly. "Hopefully, something like that won't ever happen again."

Schneizel nodded. "What our brother did was foolish," he said. "If he was that set on sabotaging Kururugi's business, then he should have hired someone to do it at his behest. If he was caught, then he would have sullied the name of Britannia Burger, and we would possibly have to deal with a legal proceeding." Schneizel sighed. "At any rate, it was unnecessary. Kururugi Ramen is a dying business, and it is suffering enough as it is."

Euphie's heart sank.

* * *

><p>The thing about the pants was that they were <em>tight.<em> Really, _really_tight. So tight that Suzaku felt that all the blood circulation to his groin had been cut off.

They really should have been called boner-not-possible-pants.

But, then again, it was pretty difficult to get a boner in any case when 1) the stench of grease and fried food was bombarding your nasal passageways, and 2) an overly cheerful person was breathing down your neck.

"I think it looks great on you! Really shows off your butt!"

Suzaku had met Gino Weinberg all of five minutes ago. Tops. Their introduction involved Gino smiling a smile that could melt the sun, shaking Suzaku's hand so hard that it felt like his arm would tear off, and proclaiming that, since Suzaku was a rookie, he would be taking him under his wing and showing him the ropes of fry cookery. Did Suzaku know the first thing about Gino? No. Did Gino know the first thing about Suzaku? No. Did that in any way deter Gino from slinging his arm around Suzaku's shoulders, resting most of his weight against him, and complimenting his ass? No. No, apparently not.

But Suzaku couldn't really complain. At least there was _someone_ willing to help him out. And the Britannia Burger uniform wasn't _so_bad once you got past the whole dick constricting business. Yeah, it was a little dorky, and whoever designed it had been a little overzealous with the stripes, but it worked. Suzaku even liked the little paper hat a bit.

Suzaku inspected himself in the full-length mirror. Yeah, he looked all right. It was quite a bit different from the yukatahe used to wear while working at Kururugi Ramen, but he could adapt.

Suddenly, Gino jabbed him in the chest.

"You still need a nametag, though."

Suzaku blinked. Gino grinned and gestured toward his own uniform where a tag that read 'GINO WEINBERG' was written in red, chunky letters

"Oh," Suzaku said. "Where do I get one?"

"I'll make one for you right now!"

And before Suzaku could respond, Gino managed to pull a red Mr. Sketch marker and post-it note out of his too-tight pants. Both of Suzaku's eyebrows shot up. Gino then proceeded to uncap the marker, scribble down something on the post-it note, and smack it against Suzaku's chest as if he were a bulletin board.

Suzaku inspected himself once again in the mirror. The post-it note branded him 'SUZZAKU KAMUZAKI."

"Um," Suzaku said, "it's Kururugi, actually." He wasn't even going to bother mentioning the extra "z" in Suzaku.

Gino cocked his head to the side, eyes wide and confused. "…What?"

"My last name is—" Suzaku stopped short. Did it _really_matter in the long run if his name was butchered while working at Britannia Burger? No, he decided. No, it did not. "…Never mind. What should I start out with?"

Gino blinked. "What do you mean?"

"Is there, you know, a job I could be doing?"

"Oh, there's plenty of time for that!" Gino broke into another sun-melting smile. "First, you need the grand tour!"

Gino turned on his heel and started walking away, leaving Suzaku no choice but to follow. They exited the employee changing room/ paper cups storage room and entered what appeared to be bendy straw storage room.

"So, uh," Suzaku said, walking faster to match Gino's stride, "how long have you worked here?"

"A little under a month. Parents said I needed to learn responsibility, the value of a hard earned dollar – that whole spiel." Gino smirked. "Same with you?"

"…Not really." Suzaku didn't really feel like filling this Gino guy in on the details.

But Gino didn't seem to care. He opened another door and grinned as he waved his arm across the room.

"And this, Suzaku Kamuzaki, is where the _magic_happens."

Suzaku eyes widened. What lay before him was the epitome of efficiency. This didn't look like a fast food establishment. No, it looked like a factory. There were rows and rows of grills as far as the eye could see. The people manning the grills appeared to be part automaton. The faces around the room were expressionless, solemn. These people looked like gravediggers, not fry cooks.

…Except for one.

"Is that girl…texting?" Suzaku asked. It seemed almost surreal that in an environment that was almost machine-like a single person would be fooling around on their cell phone.

Gino merely nodded, still smiling. "Yep," he said. "That's Anya Alstreim. She's a fry cook like yours truly."

Anya shared the same dull expression as the other fry cooks. However, unlike the others who were furiously flipping patties, she held her spatula limply at her side while furiously tapping away on her iPhone.

Gino walked right up to her and clapped a hand on her shoulder. She did not bother to look up. Did not even flinch. Her gaze was focused on her iPhone screen.

"Hey, Anya," Gino said, "who's sexting you now?"

"Angry Birds," Anya answered tonelessly.

Gino leaned forward to peer over her shoulder. "Huh. I thought you had the high score," he said.

"A twelve-year-old boy in Indonesia has me beat." Suddenly, her fingers stilled, and she looked up. She blinked at Suzaku and cocked her head to the side. "And who are you?"

"Suzaku. Er, the burgers are burning."

Anya's expression did not change when she registered that most of the burgers on her grill had blackened to a crisp. If anything, she seemed used to it.

"Oh. Thank you," she said, lifting her spatula and flipping each of the burgers once over before returning to her phone.

"Now I need to introduce you to the French Fry Brigade!" Gino exclaimed. He began walking away again, and Suzaku was forced to maneuver around the tightly packed grills and past the robot-like fry cooks.

They ended up in front of some guys who were busy dunking fries in grease. Gino clapped one of them on the back.

"This," Gino said, "is Rivalz Cardemonde. He has the prestigious honor of making sure Britannia Burger's fries clog your arteries with saturated fat. Guaranteed or your money back."

Rivalz looked up from his grease dunking and smiled at Suzaku. "So, you're the new guy," he said. "What's your name?"  
>"Suzaku—" Suzaku started<p>

"—Kamuzaki!" Gino finished.

"Welcome aboard, Kamuzaki." Rivalz shook Suzaku's hand, and gave Gino a rather…odd look.

"Right," Gino said, his smile faltering. "Follow me, Suzaku."

Suzaku tagged behind Gino into a utilities closet, feeling kind of uneasy. Gino looked pretty guilty, and he wasn't smiling anymore. He turned his back to Suzaku and began rummaging around, talking as he did so.

"The thing is Suzaku…well, Britannia Burger is kinda like…a ship, and everyone needs to do their part in order for the ship to run smoothly, y'know? Not everyone can be the captain or first mate, and, well, since you're the new guy, your job is to swab the…poop deck." Gino turned back around.

Suzaku was handed a plunger.

* * *

><p>At first, Suzaku didn't really understand. Like Gino said, he was the new guy, so it made sense that he would be given the…less than desirable tasks. He didn't see what was so horrible about having to clean up the bathrooms.<p>

Then, he actually went _inside _the men's restroom.

Yeah, _not_ a pretty sight. It was pretty clear that it hadn't been cleaned in eons. The floor was practically drenched in urine; the stalls were covered in graffiti, and…god, why would anyone even think about doing _that_in a urinal?

But Suzaku sucked it up. He needed this job. Kururugi Ramen needed him to have this job. So, he held his breath and started with the urinal…

By the time he finished, the bathroom was spotless. One could actually see their reflection in the mirrors, and the toilets were more white than brown. He smiled and admired his hard work before exiting the bathroom.

"Where do you think _you__'__re_going?" A woman donning a Britannia Burger uniform was staring straight at him.

"Um, I finished cleaning the bathroom," Suzaku said, holding up the plunger.

The woman raised an eyebrow. "_Both_of the bathrooms?"

"…What do you mean?"

"The _women__'__s_bathroom as well?"

"…Um, no."

"Well." The woman smirked. "Get on it, boy."

* * *

><p>Suzaku knocked on the women's restroom.<p>

"Hello," he called out.

No response. He opened the door a peek. No one _seemed_to be inside.

"Hello," he called out again.

Again, no response. He cautiously entered the women's restroom and was relieved to see that it was much, much cleaner than the men's. That's one thing Suzaku liked about girls: they were generally more hygienic.

Suzaku bent down and began removing cleaning products from the cabinet under the sink when he heard a noise.

_Shitshitshitshit._

He turned around to see a girl with pigtails and glasses coming out of one of the stalls. Her eyes were very, very wide.

"I-I'm really sorry!" Suzaku spluttered. "I didn't know anyone was in here. I called but no one…"

Suzaku trailed off when he realized the girl was trembling. She looked fearful, but she was advancing toward him, her eyes terrified, and her hands clutching her purse.

Then, she reached _inside_ her purse.

* * *

><p>Bawling his eyes out in the women's restroom was probably one of the last things Suzaku expected to do on his first day of work.<p>

But here he was, tears streaming down his face as he attempted to flush his eyes out with water. The girl left while Suzaku was uttering a string of profanities, and, luckily, no other women had come in after that.

Finally, Suzaku looked up at himself in the mirror. His eyes were red and still stung a bit, and his face was blotchy. It was pretty obvious that he had been crying. Still, his dignity was the last thing on his mind, so he exited the restroom with a tear-stained face. His thinking was that if he got a key from someone, he could lock the women's restroom from the inside, so he didn't have to worry about the incident repeating itself while he cleaned.

It just so happened that he ran into Rivalz.

"Jeez, dude," he said, giving Suzaku a once-over. "I know the bathrooms stink, but don't you think you're overreacting?"

"A girl maced me."

Rivalz's eyes widened. "Woah, _seriously?_" Suzaku nodded. "That really sucks, man." Suzaku nodded again. "But, y'know, things can only get better from here."

Suzaku could only hope.

* * *

><p>After a couple days, Suzaku's co-workers finally took pity on him. They unanimously decided that he would no longer be singularly forced to clean the bathrooms. Instead, he was to bus tables. He was moving up in the world.<p>

It was a fairly easy job. Since Britannia Burger was a fast food restaurant, most people threw their food away, so all he had to do was wipe down the tables and seats. It left Suzaku with a bit of free time…

…to watch as Kewell terrorized the customers.

Suzaku wasn't sure what the man's official position was, but it seemed all he did was snarl and kick people out of the restaurant. Suzaku could only wince as customers had their food (literally) thrown in their faces as they were (literally) booted out the door.

One time, Suzaku watched in horror as Kewell picked a small boy out of his seat, while he was sucking on a milkshake. "At Britannia Burger, efficiency is everything," Kewell had roared at the trembling child. "And your eating habits are inefficient to this establishment." And, with that, he shoved the boy out of the restaurant.

Suzaku sympathized with the customers and tried to help them out when he could. At Kururugi Ramen, he had worn a bright smile, always ready to give someone an extra helping of rice or another bowl of miso soup. At Britannia Burger, his smile was a little less bright (he was sleeping less than four hours a night, after all), but he was more than happy to fetch someone a bendy straw or throw away their meal for them.

He even began to deliver customers' meals to their tables. It was customary for people to pick up their meals, but it always involved elbow jabbing and chaos. Suzaku thought he was just giving a little assistance. He didn't think it was that big of a deal until…

"Kamuzaki."

At first, Suzaku didn't turn around and continued his table cleaning.

"Kamuzaki!"

Oh, right. He was Suzzaku Kamuzaki now – not Suzaku _Kururugi_. Suzaku whirled around, plastering an apologetic smile on his face. In front of him stood Jeremiah Gottwald, his manager. Needless to say, Jeremiah did _not_look happy.

"I'm sorry, sir," Suzaku said. "What is it?"

Jeremiah's eyes narrowed. "Kamuzaki, I would like a word with you…in my office."

And with that, Jeremiah turned on his heel. Suzaku followed and was led into a surprisingly spacious room. Jeremiah sat down behind a desk.

"Take a seat, Kamuzaki."

Suzaku sat down, beginning to feel nervous. Was he going to be fired? He needed this job.

"Do you know why you're here?" Jeremiah asked.

Suzaku shook his head. "No, sir," he admitted. "I don't."

Jeremiah frowned. "Did you read your employee handbook?"

Suzaku knew lying would get him nowhere. "I…skimmed." He winced when Jeremiah's gaze hardened.

"So, you are completely ignorant in regard to customer service policy?"

Suzaku nodded, feeling his face heat up.

"Britannia Burger's customer service policy is that we treat our customers like sheep," Jeremiah stated, frown still in place. "We feed the sheep, but that is the extent of the service or respect we provide them. If the sheep become unruly and overstay their welcome, then we throw them out. If the sheep have problems, then we do not listen to them because they are mere animals." Jeremiah leaned forward in his seat. "Do you understand, Kamuzaki?"

With wide eyes, Suzaku swallowed and nodded. "I…understand, sir."

"By serving the customers, you are not only being insubordinate, but you are also giving them unwarranted self-importance," Jeremiah continued. "What you did went completely against company policy."

"I understand, sir." Suzaku was going to get fired. He knew it, and he braced himself…

"However, I am not firing you."

"You're not?" Suzaku blurted out before he could stop himself.

Jeremiah shook his head. "No, but you will be punished for your actions."

Suzaku heaved a sigh of relief. After his first day, he could handle _any_ punishment.

* * *

><p>A couple of middle school boys threw rocks at him. Some teenage girls jeered at him. ("I dare you to go ask out Burger-Boy over there." "Ew, no way. He's such a loser.") A mother walking with her son glared at him. ("Why is that man dressed like a hamburger, mommy?" "Because he didn't go to college, honey.")<p>

But, all in all, it wasn't such a bad day.

The tights he had to wear scratched skin, and the costume was beginning to make him sweaty, but it was nothing he couldn't handle. Suzaku smiled and waved and gladly advertised Britannia Burger even when people sent him either glares or looks of sympathy.

Hours and hours passed under the sun in front of Britannia Burger, but Suzaku's smile never wavered, and he delivered his sales pitch with gusto: "A Britannia Burger will brighten your day!"

When a pretty pink-haired girl walked toward Suzaku, he smiled, and, surprisingly, she actually smiled back. She walked closer to him and cocked her head to the side.

"It must be awful having to wear that," the girl said.

"It's not that bad," Suzaku said with a shrug. "Besides, I deserve it."

The girl's eyes widened. "This is a punishment?"

"Yeah." Suzaku smiled sheepishly. "I wasn't following protocol."

"Were you helping out customers?"

"Yeah, but I wasn't supposed to, so—" Suzaku cut himself off when he noticed that the girl was no longer smiling. Her eyebrows were furrowed, her nostrils were flared, and she looked…furious.

"I'm having a word with the manager," the girl said. Her tone was surprisingly cold.

Suzaku's eyes widened. Shit. He was really going to get fired now. This girl had good intentions, but if she talked to Jeremiah, then he was screwed. No way around that.

"Um, no, uh…" Suzaku grasped for words. "…that's fine. You really don't have to do that."

"I've made up my mind." She shook her head. "I should have listened to my brother. He was right. This is completely unjust."

No, whoever her brother was, he was _wrong_. _Very_wrong. "It's not that big of a deal," Suzaku said, trying not to sound frantic. "You really shouldn't worry about it."

"And allow Britannia Burger to perpetuate such a discriminatory policy?" the girl countered, looking Suzaku straight in the eye. She began walking toward the door before he could answer.

"Please…please don't," Suzaku said weakly.

But she was already inside, and it was pretty hard to run after someone when you were a giant hamburger.

* * *

><p>The restaurant was not particularly impressive. The writing was gaudy, the paint was chipping, and Lelouch wasn't particularly sure he wanted to step inside.<p>

It was his first assignment: write a critique on any restaurant in Pendragon.

"The only exception is Britannia Burger," Diethard had said with a cheeky smile. "You will not be writing about them. No _yet_, at any rate."

The problem was that there was only _one_other restaurant in Pendragon besides Britannia Burger: Kururugi Ramen. Lelouch continued to stare at the storefront disdainfully. Did they even serve authentic Japanese?

It didn't matter. He had to try it out - even if it meant trying out all of their ersatz Asian dishes and giving them a three star rating. Lelouch pushed open the door.

"_Konnichiwa_! Welcome to Kururugi Ramen!"

Standing before him was a small, smiling Asian girl wearing a kimono. Her eyes were very big and…green. But before Lelouch could ponder why or how an Asian person could possibly have green eyes, the girl began talking again.

"Are you a food critic?"

Lelouch blinked. "…What?"

"A food critic." Her smile was so big it looked to Lelouch like it must hurt her cheeks. "You're carrying a notebook."

That he was. Black and spiral-bound. "Oh," Lelouch said. "Yes. Yes, I am."

The girl clapped her hands together. "Well, that's just splendid! Follow me, and I'll find you a table."

If possible, the interior of Kururugi Ramen was even more rundown than the exterior. Not only was the restaurant completely vacant, but also, by the looks of it, cobwebs were growing on the tables and chairs. Lelouch sat down at a table located near the center of the room, and the girl shoved a menu in his hands while he was busy wrinkling his nose.

"I'm Kaguya Sumeragi, and I will be your server," the girl said, pulling out a pad and pen from underneath her _obi_. "Is there anything I can get you to drink?"

Lelouch glanced down at the menu and recognized nothing. "What would you recommend?"

"Hmm, well I've always liked ramune. It's fizzy and tastes like bubblegum."

Lelouch raised an eyebrow. "...I suppose I could try that."

"Great!" Kaguya scribbled something down on her pad. "Would you like to order your food now or would you like more time?"

"I'll order now."

Kaguya's face lit up. "Well," she said, "the special today is the Sumeragi Sushi Platter, and that comes with—"

"I'll have ramen," Lelouch said, cutting her off.

Kaguya blinked. "What?"

"Kururugi Ramen is famous for its ramen, is it not?"

"Oh, of course! But we have many different types. There's _shio_ and _tonkotsu_ and _shoyu_ and _miso_and—"

"I'll have all of them."

Kaguya's eyes widened to a ridiculous extent. "_All_…of them?"

"Yes." Lelouch straightened and smiled. "If I'm going to give your restaurant a fair critique, then it's important that I'm thorough in my tasting. Don't you agree?"

Kaguya nodded, still smiling. "Yes, you're right." She scribbled Lelouch's order down. "We'll get started on your food right away."

Lelouch watched as she bounded into the kitchen, somehow managing not to trip over her kimono. For a few moments, it was silent. Then, there was a deafening crash. Lelouch winced.

"_Kuso!_ Are you serious? I have to make all this for one…_Britannian_?"

"Ssh! Kallen, he might hear you!"

"He can't even eat all of this!"

"He's a paying customer, and he's a…"

"He's a what?"

"Well, he's a food critic."

"What? He's a _food __critic_?"

"Yes, and he's come to review the restaurant."

"Why did you tell me this earlier?"

"He just got here. Don't add so much chili pepper. You're going to make him sick."

"I can do what I damn well please. Why are you in the kitchen, anyway? I don't need a babysitter."

"Well, Suzaku was usually the one who made the food so I thought—ow! You're so mean! That's going to leave a bruise, you know."

A few more banging noises and many "kusos" later, Kaguya finally emerged from the kitchen, balancing bowls upon bowls of ramen. She miraculously managed to set the bowls down along with the ramune drink without spilling anything. All of this was done with the same cheery smile as before.

"Enjoy your meal."

Lelouch wasn't doing this for enjoyment. This was business. He plucked his chopsticks off the table, slid the nearest bowl toward himself, and yanked out some noodles. Open mouth, chew, and swallow. Lelouch's eyes widened.

"This is…"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: <strong>Okay, I was planning on finishing this before I posted it, but then I decided I didn't really want to have to post everything at once. Because I'm lazy. Ahem.

Anyway, this is being written for the Code Geass Kink Meme (to fill a pretty epic prompt), and I've had a lot of fun writing this so far. This fic should be fairly light lighthearted, but the writing is subject to change to 'M' 'cause I'll probably add smut. ;)

Thanks for reading!


	2. Big Dango Family

**Britannia Burger**

**Chapter 2: Big Dango Family**

* * *

><p>"No," Kallen said.<p>

Lelouch raised an eyebrow. "You haven't even listened to my proposition."

"I don't care. You called us 'derelict.'"

Kaguya sighed. "Kallen," she said, "he called the _restaurant_ 'derelict,' and that's putting it nicely." She turned toward Lelouch. "I'm sorry, Mr. Lamperouge. She has no idea what she's talking about. We're more than happy to listen to your propommfff—"

"No, _we_ aren't," Kallen said slowly, her hand clapped firmly over Kaguya's mouth; Kaguya was struggling and making indignant muffled noises. "You're _not_ buying us out."

Now _both_ of Lelouch's eyebrows were raised. "I never said I was."

Kallen's eyes widened. "…Then why are you here?"

Lelouch's patience was beginning to run thin. He thought the employees of a restaurant as despondent as Kururugi Ramen would be jumping at the chance for any form of help, but, instead, he had spent the last five minutes (of his extraordinarily invaluable time) being hassled. He pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes. Counted to ten in his head. When he opened them, that redhead woman—Kallen—was still staring at him with an expression of complete distrust.

Lelouch sighed. "I would tell you that," he said, "if you would let me get a word in."

Kallen did not look in any way mollified, but she kept her mouth shut and let her hand drop. Kaguya gasped and glared at her, and Lelouch cleared his throat.

"I presume," he said, "that the both of you read my review of your restaurant."

Kaguya beamed and clasped her hands together. "Yes," she said, nodding, "it was absolutely wonderful. I can't thank you enough."

Kallen snorted. "I skimmed."

"…Right." Lelouch cleared his throat again. "The point is that, for all its…_external_ setbacks, Kururugi Ramen serves delicious food. And I think that can be capitalized on."

Almost immediately, Kaguya's sunny expression turned serious. She looked less like a carefree girl and more like an analyst. "How so?" she asked.

"If it's expanded," Lelouch said simply. "This establishment is nothing more than a mom-and-pop, and a restaurant needs more than good food to be successful. It needs ambiance and scope. It requires numerous employees and marketing. Without those components, long-term success is unfeasible."

Kallen's eyebrows furrowed, and she crossed her arms over her chest. "You think we haven't thought of that?" she asked. Her glare would have frightened a shogun. _Definitely_ not mollified. "We obviously don't have the me—"

"I'll provide you with the means," Lelouch replied, cutting her off.

For a moment, it was completely silent, and the vacancy of Kururugi Ramen seemed even more pronounced. Then, Kallen snorted and raised both eyebrows.

"What's the catch?" she asked.

"There is none," Lelouch said.

"You don't have _any_ sort of ulterior motive?" Kaguya asked. Even she seemed skeptical now, her delicate features scrunched up in confusion.

Lelouch stifled a sigh. He was at a bit of an impasse. These girls were obviously suspicious of him, and they had a right to be. Who showed up at someone's failing business, telling them they'd turn it into a moneymaking machine? It sounded too good to be true – even to his own ears.

At the same time, he wasn't really used to anyone questioning his decisions or motives. As executive VP of Britannia Burger, he had frequently ordered people around, and they had obeyed him without question. The only people he had answered to were his father and Schneizel, and they had mainly let him be.

Now the tables were turned.

Lelouch knew he had to win over these girls and gain their trust if he had any chance of expanding Kururugi Ramen. He couldn't reveal his true motives to them…

…or _maybe_ he could tweak them a little.

"I hate Britannia Burger," Lelouch said, voice firm. "They're against everything I stand for."

Kallen and Kaguya's eyes both widened simultaneously. Good. He had them hooked. Now all he had to do was reel them in with a little sob story.

"I had a dream," Lelouch continued, "of starting up my own restaurant. I wanted it to be a place where people could sit down and enjoy a good meal." He paused for dramatic effect. "Unfortunately, Britannia Burger crushed that dream." Kaguya's gaze was pitying; Kallen was no longer frowning. "They sabotaged all my efforts. Every time I attempted to buy or rent a place to start up, Britannia Burger had already bought it out or bribed the owner with a higher offer. When I did finally manage to find a place, Britannia Burger burned it to the ground." Kallen's eyes widened. "Arson, but the police refused to file my complaint – they were in cahoots with Britannia Burger."

"Those bastards," Kallen hissed.

"Because of that," Lelouch said, "I was doomed to a life as a food critic." As soon as those words left his mouth, Lelouch searched Kallen and Kaguya's faces. Too over-the-top? Apparently not. Kaguya looked to be on the verge of tears, and even Kallen seemed rather sympathetic. "When I tasted your ramen, it…gave me hope." Lelouch smiled a sad smile and shrugged self-deprecatingly. "I thought I could finally live out my dream. If I couldn't run a restaurant, I could at least try to improve it. And, at the same time, I thought I would be able to show Britannia Burger up. That's all."

Again, it was silent. Kallen and Kaguya were both staring at him; Lelouch kept his face composed. Finally, Kaguya smoothed out the creases in her yukata and smiled.

"So," she said, "in a nutshell, you want to use Kururugi Ramen as a vehicle to live out your failed dreams and avenge the injustices Britannia Burger inflicted upon your business start-up?"

Lelouch blinked. "…Yes."

Kaguya's smile looked like it could just about shatter her cheeks. "Then I'm in!"

Lelouch nodded and turned to Kallen. She was biting her lip.

"I think…" Kallen turned to Kaguya. "I think it's important that we clear things with Genbu first."

Kaguya's smile immediately fell, and she nodded. "Yeah," she said, "you're right."

"Who…" Lelouch frowned. "Who's Genbu?"

"The manager," Kaguya said.

"You mean _you__'__re_ not the manager?"

"Of course not," Kallen snapped. "She's fifteen."

If Kururugi Ramen's walls weren't covered with sawdust and spider webs (_and_ likely cockroaches), Lelouch would have banged his head against one. After jumping through hoops and telling the most melodramatic lie of his life, he was now learning that _neither_ of these girls were the manager.

"I'll go get him!" Kaguya said, turning around and rushing up a flight of stairs.

For all Lelouch knew, this Genbu person could be even more unreasonable than these girls. He could be unwilling to listen. He could be a tyrant. He could be…

…a middle-aged man wearing fleece footie pajamas.

Ironically, Genbu had a rather gruff appearance. He possessed a square jaw, broad shoulders, impossibly bushy eyebrows, and a five o'clock shadow. The incongruous footie pajamas he wore were white but covered with a multitude of colorful circles with what appeared to be little eyes; in the middle, it read, "Big Dango Family."

When Genbu caught sight of Lelouch, he turned beet-red and turned on Kaguya. "Why didn't you tell me someone was down here?" he growled. Even his voice was gruff.

"I-I'm sorry, Genbu-san," Kaguya apologized earnestly, eyes large and apologetic. "I didn't think it would be a big deal. Personally, I think your pajamas are _very_ cute. I love the Big Dango Fam—"

"Do you think I want to look _cute?_" Genbu closed his eyes and shook his head. "You've dishonored me." When he opened his eyes, they were directed toward Lelouch, and they were extremely apologetic. "I apologize that you had to see me in this way, Mr…?"

"Lamperouge," Lelouch said quickly, eyes wide. "Lelouch Lamperouge."

"I hope, Mr. Lamperouge," Genbu said, "that seeing me in this fashion does not lessen your opinion of Kururugi Ramen."

"No, it's…fine," Lelouch said. Frankly, he would take footie pajamas over Speedos any day of the week. "I actually wish to help…improve your restaurant. Specifically, to expand it."

Genbu's eyes widened. "…You would do that?"

"Yes," Lelouch said, "I'm a food critic, and I have faith in this establishment. I actually wrote a critique on your restaurant—"

"_You_ were the one who wrote that review?" Genbu asked. Lelouch nodded. "Well, then you can do whatever you see fit. I give you my blessing."

A huffy sigh. "Fine," Kallen said, "I'm in too, but you'd better not pull anything."

Lelouch couldn't help but smile. "I assure you I won't."

"Now that that's settled," Kaguya said, clapping her hands together, "what's our first order of business?"

* * *

><p>As it turned out, Suzaku <em>wasn<em>_'__t_ fired. Instead, against all odds, he had been promoted.

It had been slightly surreal hobbling into Jeremiah's office dressed like a gigantic hamburger and watching as the pretty, delicate-looking girl somehow managed to launch into a seemingly polite yet also extraordinarily menacing diatribe against the manager of one of the many Britannia Burgers located in Pendragon.

Even stranger was learning that the girl was actually Euphemia li Britannia, an associate VP of Britannia Burger who held complete dominion over the likes of Jeremiah Gottwald and reduced the prideful man into an over-apologizing buffoon,

When the girl announced she was promoting Suzaku to the position of assistant manager (after administering Jeremiah a _very_ stern warning) that was the cherry on the top. Or maybe it was the straw that broke the camel's back. One of those.

Either way, Suzaku's expressions alternated somewhere between "umwhat" and "bwuh" during the entire ordeal. He only managed to murmur a quick "thanks" when Euphemia promoted him, thereby quadrupling his salary.

As soon as the novelty of it all wore off, Suzaku wasn't sure what to think. Yes, he was what Gino would call "making bank," but he had no idea how he was supposed to fulfill his duties as assistant manager. As a matter of fact, he wasn't entirely sure what an assistant manager was supposed to _do_. Euphemia left as quickly as she had appeared, telling Suzaku she was counting on him and wishing him good luck. And, after having his pride torn into a million little pieces by a teenage girl, Jeremiah sure as hell wasn't going to help him out.

To make matters worse, the rest of co-workers seemed to resent him. Even Rivalz wasn't as friendly toward him as before. It made sense. Suzaku was a rookie and had been arbitrarily promoted when he clearly lacked the expertise. Of course his fellow employees would turn on him.

Gino, however, was the exception.

"Congrats, buddy!"

This morning Suzaku had been inspecting the bendy straws in the storage room for lack of anything better to do. Before he knew what was happening, Gino had busted in and thrown an arm around his shoulders.

Suzaku sighed and attempted to shrug his overly cheerful co-worker off of himself. Suzaku was strong, but Gino weighed at least two hundred pounds and was leaning most of his weight against him.

"Gino, that's the fifth time you've congratulated me on being promoted."

Thankfully, Gino moved off of him, but it wasn't out of consideration. It was so he could spin Suzaku around and lean forward so their faces were inches apart.

"I'm not _just_ congratulating you on being promoted."

Thankfully, Gino's breath smelled minty fresh. Still, personal space – it was appreciated. Suzaku leaned back. "Then, uh, what _are_ you congratulating me on?"

Gino grinned from ear to ear, placed a hand on Suzaku's shoulder, and said, "You know, I never pegged you as being a gold digger."

Suzaku blinked. "…What?"

"You don't have to lie to me. I know there's something going on between you and Euphemia."

"_...What?"_

"Didja have to sleep with her to get the job?" Disturbingly, Gino's smile never faltered.

Suzaku didn't even know how to respond to that. "It's not…" He trailed off, and Gino continued to stare at him with those too-bright eyes. Suzaku sighed. "…Gino, you really have _no_ idea what you're talking about."

Gino's eyes widened. "So, it's not about the money?" Suzaku nodded. "Well, she's not hard on the eyes either."

Okay, he _really_ wasn't getting it. "Gino, Miss li Britannia—" Gino raised an eyebrow. "—or whatever. _Euphemia_. She _isn__'__t_ interested in me."

"Sure, she is," Gino said, his grin turning mischievous. "Or at least she's interested in _this_."

"This" was apparently Suzaku's ass. Which Gino grabbed. With both hands. Suzaku wasn't entirely sure what noise he made in response, but it _wasn__'__t_ the epitome of manliness.

"Do you two want to be left alone?"

Suzaku's head snapped up to see one of his co-workers. He recognized her as the woman who had told him to clean the women's restroom, and she did not seem at all surprised that Gino was groping him.

"Hey, Nonette," Gino said, giving Suzaku's ass a little squeeze. "You wanna join in?"

Nonette raised an eyebrow. "As much as I appreciate the offer, I think I'll pass." She turned her full attention to Suzaku, and he managed to wriggle out of Gino's vice-like grip, face red. "Anyway," she continued, "I'm here to give a message. Miss li Britannia stopped by. She wants to speak to you, Kamuzaki."

"…Just me?"

Nonette nodded. "Yep," she said. "One on one."

And, when Nonette turned on her heel and left, Gino broke into the biggest shit-eating grin imaginable.

"Told ya!"

Suzaku had to restrain himself from facepalming.

* * *

><p>When Suzaku stumbled into Euphie's temporary office (it was <em>actually<em> Jeremiah's office, but he had offered it to her), the boy appeared to be rather apprehensive.

Euphie smiled amiably and gestured for him to take a seat. Suzaku did, removing his paper hat and holding it in his hands.

Although Britannia Burger's uniform was rather unflattering, he was a handsome boy with tan skin and big green eyes. Euphie noted, however, that he had rather large bags under his eyes. He must not have been sleeping well.

"How are you liking your new job, Suzaku?" Euphie asked. She knew that small talk was necessary before getting to the meat of the issue.

Suzaku's eyes widened. "I – It's great, Miss li Britannia. I can't thank you enough for the opportunity."

Euphie giggled. "I'm glad," she said. "And I would prefer it if you called me 'Euphie.' Formalities really aren't necessary."

"Oh." Suddenly, Suzaku smiled, and his whole face seemed to light up. "Okay, Euphie. Sorry about that."

"It's not a problem," Euphie said. "Can I ask you something, Suzaku?" Suzaku nodded. "…Is your father the manager of Kururugi Ramen?"

"Uh, yeah, he is." Suzaku smile faltered. "I used to double as a cook and a waiter."

Euphie nodded. "It's not really any of my business why you left, but…you do know a thing or two about customer service, right?"

"Yeah." Suzaku nodded. "At Kururugi Ramen, the customer always comes first. We pride ourselves on that."

"Well," Euphie said, beaming, "if that's the case, then I was wondering if you could do me a favor."

* * *

><p>"I still don't understand," Lelouch muttered, shooting furtive glances throughout the room, "why we had to meet <em>here<em> of all places."

"Because it's amusing watching you squirm."

And, as the infernal woman uttered those words, she stuffed five French fries in her mouth at once. Lelouch took a sip of his iced tea and continued to survey his surroundings. No one _appeared_ to be watching them, but his father could have spies stationed in here for all he knew.

The woman seated across from Lelouch went by the alias C.C. According to her business card (which smelled faintly of cheese), she was purportedly an experienced private investigator who could crack any case given to her.

Initially, Lelouch had reservations about the woman, but, after listening to her cool, confident voice over the phone, he decided to hire her. As an added bonus, she had promised her rates were cheap, which worked to Lelouch's advantage since his savings were running dangerously low.

Now Lelouch was once again beginning to have second thoughts considering that, in spite of the fact that he had specifically hired C.C. to surreptitiously investigate Britannia Burger, she had required that they have a face-to-face meeting _in_ Britannia Burger.

"So," C.C. said, taking a drink of her jumbo-sized milkshake, "specifically what dirt do you want me to dig up on Britannia Burger?"

Lelouch's eyes widened. "Be quiet! Someone could overhear you."

C.C. raised an eyebrow. "And what? Call the fast food police?" She smirked. "Or tell your daddy on you?"

Lelouch sighed. "I'd just prefer if this was kept…secret." He lowered his voice. "As for information, anything you can find that would be detrimental."

C.C. nodded. "Easy enough. I'll contact you within a few days."

"…That quickly?"

"My methods are foolproof." C.C. finished the last of the French fries and leaned back in her seat.

Lelouch cleared his throat. "So, um…are we done here?"

"Of course not. We haven't even discussed my compensation."

"How much do you want?" Lelouch pulled his wallet out of his pants and began counting out hundreds.

"I wasn't talking about _monetary_ compensation."

Lelouch's head snapped up, eyes wide. "…What kind of compensation do you require?"

C.C.'s expression was worryingly blasé; her eyes were cool and astute. "You wish to take down your father's monopoly, right?"

"…Yes."

"In the event that your wish comes true, then, in return, you will grant me my own wish."

Lelouch waited a few moments for the punchline. When it became obvious from C.C.'s apathetic expression that there was none, he sighed. "Fine. What is your wish?"

"If I tell you that now, then it won't come true."

Lelouch raised an eyebrow. "…Does your wish involve me becoming your slave for the rest of my lifetime?"

C.C. snorted. "Don't flatter yourself."

"In that case," Lelouch said, "I accept your terms. If I am able to achieve my goal, then I will do everything in my power to grant your wish." He paused. "…Do I need to sign some sort of contract?"

C.C. shook her head. "Your word is enough."

Before Lelouch could respond, C.C. stood up and walked away from the table. Lelouch watched with a grimace as she exited the restaurant, her trench coat billowing behind her. It was hard to believe she was actually a professional private investigator. She just seemed so damn obvious.

"Hello, sir, can I get you anything else to eat?"

Lelouch looked down at his half-eaten green salad and then up into extraordinarily big green eyes. Very _familiar_ big green eyes.

"Um, sir…?"

Lelouch immediately snapped back to attention. The owner of said big green eyes was an Asian boy and looked to be about Lelouch's age. He had a polite smile plastered on his face, bags under his eyes, and was wearing an outfit that was a disgrace to mankind and made Lelouch question his faith in humanity.

"No, I'm fine," Lelouch said quickly. The boy nodded and looked ready to turn away when Lelouch added, "Do you happen to be related to Kaguya Sumeragi by any chance?"

The boy's smile widened at that, and it was more genuine this time. "What tipped you off?" he asked, pointing to his head. "Is it the hair?"

Lelouch snorted at that. Kaguya's hair was straight and black, and this boy possessed a mess of brown curls under his tacky paper hat.

"Green eyes aren't a particularly common trait for Asians," Lelouch replied, smirking. "To be honest, I never thought it was genetically possible before a few days ago."

"Yeah, it…runs in the family." The boy shrugged. "I don't really get it either. Kaguya thinks it's some sort of blessing from the gods."

"…Gods?"

"Yeah, back when we used to live in Japan, we would go to the shrines. We would burn incense and make offerings and…" The boy suddenly flushed and trailed off. "Um, I'm boring you, aren't I?"

Lelouch shook his head. "Not at all…um, what's your name?"

"Oh." The boy visibly brightened. In a way, he reminded Lelouch of a puppy in a strangely non-annoying way. "It's Suzaku Kururugi."

"Wouldn't the proper way to introduce yourself be 'Kururugi Suzaku'?"

"Yeah, but I'm not in Japan anymore." Suzaku's brow crinkled in thought. "There's a saying for that. Something to do with Romans…"

"When in Rome do as the Romans do?"

"Oh, yeah, that's the one." He grinned. "So, uh, what's _your_ name?"

"Lelouch Lamperouge."

Suzaku's eyes widened. "Is that Fr—"

"_No_," Lelouch snapped, cutting him off. "It's _not_ French."

Suzaku laughed. "Oh, well, Kaguya showed me your review for the restaurant. She was really excited. It means a lot to all of us." His smile widened, the skin around his eyes crinkling. It made Lelouch feel…warm inside. Weird.

"Don't mention it," Lelouch said, attempting to quell the strange internal warmth that was building up the longer Suzaku smiled at him. "I actually think Kururugi Ramen has a lot of business potential. I actually offered to help improve it, and Mr. Kururugi agreed."

Suzaku looked surprised. "My dad agreed?" He shook his head, still smiling. "Well, I'm sure he'll be grateful for the help."

Lelouch was surprised that Suzaku didn't bother to question his motives like Kallen and Kaguya did. He frowned, gazing once again at that abomination of an outfit Suzaku was wearing.

"Suzaku, you used to work at Kururugi Ramen, didn't you?

Suzaku's smile immediately dropped. His expression turned sheepish. "…Uh, yeah."

Lelouch nodded. He had heard Kallen and Kaguya mentioning his cooking skills, but that didn't explain…"Why did you leave?"

Suzaku's eyes widened at that, and Lelouch was afraid he had overstepped boundaries. He had only just met him, after all.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," Lelouch amended. "I was only curious—"

"No," Suzaku interjected, "it's not that. It's just…the business hasn't been doing too good, so I thought I'd get a job to help out." He smiled reappeared, as warm and fond as before. "That's all."

"If the business improves, then will you return?"

"Um." Suzaku scratched the back of his head. "I don't know about that…"

Strangely, Suzaku seemed rather bewildered. It took Lelouch a few seconds to realize the reason why: he was (unintentionally, he hoped) glaring at him. Lelouch smoothed out his expression and cleared his throat.

"Why not?" There was an accusatory edge to his words.

"Well, I was promoted…" Lelouch raised an eyebrow. "But it's not just that! I…made a promise with someone." His expression turned fond once again. "The customer service here isn't the greatest, so I promised her I would do my best to improve it. Until that happens, I'm staying here."

It was silent for a moment. Suzaku continued to smile dopily, and Lelouch gripped the edge of the table, his eyebrows knitting together.

"…Are you _serious?_"

Suzaku's eyes widened. "Excuse me?"

"You're being naïve if you think you can fix the problems inherent with Britannia Burger," Lelouch spat. "Even if you are capable of turning this particular restaurant around, what good would that do? Britannia Burger is a fast food chain, and one link out of place isn't going to make a difference in the slightest."

"Well, uh." Suzaku stumbled over his words, eyes large. "She said that others might follow our example."

Lelouch laughed, and there was nothing pleasant about it. "You _honestly_ think you alone could cause some sort of domino effect to the largest monopoly in the world?"

"I…"

And that's when Lelouch realized people were staring at him. Around the restaurant, people were gazing intently at their milkshakes and fries and occasionally peeking up at him with wide eyes.

But Lelouch wasn't all that concerned that he had caused a scene or that the people currently dining at this particular Britannia Burger thought he was an asshole. What affected him was the look on Suzaku's face: embarrassed, ashamed, and filled with guilt. His shoulders were slumped, and he was gazing intently at his feet

"I…" Lelouch sighed. "Suzaku, I apologize."

Suzaku's head immediately snapped up. "No, it's my fault," he said, "I shouldn't have let this turn into an argument."

He sounded so…earnest. Lelouch frowned. It was clearly _his_ fault – not Suzaku's, yet Suzaku was still taking the blame. He didn't understand. Not at all.

And he also didn't understand why he _needed_ to see Suzaku smile at this precise moment. But he did. It was almost like a craving. Some people had cravings for chocolates, and it seemed Lelouch had suddenly acquired a craving for smiles from this idealistic and impractical boy who was wearing an outfit that literally inflicted pain on his eyes.

That's why Lelouch took a twenty-dollar bill out of his wallet and handed it to Suzaku. "Here."

Suzaku's eyes widened. "I can't take this." He shook his head and attempted to give it back to Lelouch. "You don't need to pay me."

Lelouch smiled. "It's a tip."

Suzaku raised an eyebrow. "…Uh, no offense, but this seems a bit too much."

Lelouch chuckled. "Well, I had a salad, didn't I? My salad was two dollars, and gratuity is typically fifteen percent. In that case, I simply need to purchase sixty-six more salads, and the tip will be perfectly reasonable."

"How…" Suzaku looked _very_ confused. "How were you able to calculate that so quickly?"

"Keep the money, and I'll tell you."

Suzaku pocketed the money and then looked back at Lelouch.

"The truth is…" Suzaku leaned closer. "…I'm extraordinarily good at multiplication."

The expressions that crossed Suzaku's face were borderline hilarious until he finally settled on a fairly exasperated smile. "That wasn't worth it," he said. "I want a refund. Um, or a de-refund."

Lelouch couldn't help but smile as well. He had succeeded in his mission, and his craving was satisfied (which sounded entirely awkward and _wrong_, but he didn't bother to dwell on that). Plus, the fact that Suzaku was willing to joke with him was a good sign.

"Did you expect me to tell you that I possess artificial intelligence?" Lelouch shook his head. "No de-refunds. Spend that on cases of soda. You look like you could use the caffeine."

Suzaku brought a hand up to his face. "…Is it that noticeable?"

"Yes."

And when Suzaku took on an expression of mock-offense, Lelouch didn't feel the least bit sorry for saying it. After all, it wasn't necessarily a bad thing.

The bags brought out the green in his eyes.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: <strong>Thank you, Asukaforever92, yorozuyagaren, A reader, Ame, mochiusagi, and Blind Writer for reviewing. Thanks Blind Writer for requesting this wonderful prompt and commenting on all my updates on the meme. :) Thanks A reader for correcting my spelling error. If any of you see any more typos/spelling errors, I would be very grateful if you told me. Mochiusagi, your question will be answered in a subsequent chapter.


End file.
